Book Logic
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: Wesley has questions that he needs answers to and his Dad is the only one that can provide the answers. Part 12 of Deeks/Callen series


So I was asked about what Deeks thought about possibly doing something to get his hearing back. I, of course, made it angsty and told it from Wesleys point of view. I hope you guys understand the reasons I put down for why that didn't happen.

Warnings: None

TUMBLR INFO: I've had to change my Tumblr account because I got muted. I'm not all that surprised to be fair. Anyway, the name is now SILVERMIDNIGHTWRITE.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook 'SilverMidnight52' or on Tumblr under SilverMidnightWrite! I own nothing.

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Carding a hand through messy, black hair Wes flipped to the next page in his book only to stop when he realized he had no idea what he had just read. Which was a feat given just how many times he had already read the book.

If he thought about it he'd figured it was probably the book that he had read most often. It wasn't as if it was one of his favorites, he actually kind of hated it, but he needed the information that it contained.

Not that it really helped anyway. No matter how many times he went through the book or thought about the things he had learned from it he never was able to answer the questions that he wanted answered.

More times than he could count he thought about getting rid of the book entirely. It was just taking up space… by hiding in the back of his closet where he was sure that no one was ever going to see it.

He couldn't really explain why he even had it. The second he saw the book in the store though he knew what he had to do. It had taken almost an entire year of doing more than a few jobs with Aunt Hetty and Aunt Michelle, but he had finally succeeded. He had bought the book that had been haunting his dreams.

Oddly enough, that was actually the easy part. It had taken even longer to figure out how to sneak it into the house without anyone questioning him about it. He had never realized how hard it was to keep something a secret before that.

That wasn't to say that he shouldn't have the book. It wasn't naughty or porn or anything like that. He had been ten when he bought it for goodness sake! No, it was just something that wasn't talked about in his family. Which was saying something.

He hadn't really realized until he was starting high school that other teenagers didn't talk to their parents the same way he did. In his house talking about anything and everything was always encouraged.

Once he had asked Izzy why their dads were different in that way. All she had done was smile sadly and told him to remember the way the two of them had been brought up. After that it made perfect sense to him.

Still it was a little weird. He'd listen to his friends talk about their parents getting mad at them for one thing or another and he knew that his dads would never do that. They never truly got angry or made him feel stupid for the things he did. They more cared that he was okay after he did them.

Which was why it made such little sense for this one topic to be off limits. It wasn't as if it didn't affect them. It was actually a fairly big part of all of their lives. It had completely changed his Dads life for heavens sake! Not talking about it literally made no sense to him at all.

Don't get him wrong, Dad and Papa had talked him and Izzy all about the explosion that had taken away his Dads hearing. They had even explained to them the depression that he still felt to this day. They didn't hide any of that. It was part of the reason his Dad was his hero.

The problem came when Wes tried to envision what went on in his Dads head. Wes had always prided himself on his imagination and ability to put himself into others shoes. It was why he had decided to become an actor. Learning and telling other peoples truths was the greatest honor to him.

He had only ever found one that he couldn't understand. His Dad. Good old Marty Deeks confused the living daylights out of him no matter how hard he tried. And oh boy did he try. He always came back to that one question.

Why hadn't he done something about his deafness? It wasn't as if there weren't options for him to possibly gain his hearing back. If he had just said something Wes was sure that Aunt Hetty would have gotten him the best doctors and he could have gotten cochlear implants.

Then there was the fact that he could have easily just talked. He was the only one that stopped him from talking to people outside of their small family. He didn't have to stop living the life he lead. So why hadn't he done more?

Okay, so Wes got that it had to have been a shock at first and that he needed a moment to figure out what was going on. Add to that the fact Izzy was born during that time. Taking a moment to get his feet back under him was fine.

It was after that that confused Wes. He had never thought of his Dad as the kind of person to simply stop and let things be. He fought. Maybe not with fists but with his mind and his heart. Giving up wasn't in him.

That was exactly what he had done when he lost his hearing. He hadn't even tried to look for other ways to get his life back. All he did was accept what had happened. There was no fight in it. That knowledge confused and angered Wes.

Both Dad and Papa had taught him to never simply accept things blindly. If you wanted something than the pain was always worth the prize. How was he supposed to believe that if one of them had already given up so much without a look back?

That was the reason he bought a book on medical achievements being made in the deaf and hearing impaired community. Okay, so the information was six years old now, but that didn't matter for what he was looking for. Answers as to why his Dad had never fought to hear again and get his life back.

There had to be a risk that he hadn't thought was worth it. Right? That was the only explanation that he could think of for his Dad not trying it, but no matter how many times he read the book he couldn't find an answer pointing to that.

Wes felt like he was ramming his head into the wall. For six years he had been looking for answers and coming up empty. He was so tired of the question rattling around in his head day after day. He was done with it all.

More than that though he was angry. As much as it didn't mater sense he felt like everything his parents had taught him meant nothing. If they couldn't even take the lessons and rules to heart than why was he even trying?

Feeling angrier than he had ever before Wes slammed the book shut and threw it across the room. A small part of him hoped that it would make him feel better, but all it did was make him want to scream. It might be something he hated but he was done.

Letting himself be taken over by his emotions Wes jumped up from his bed and stormed out of his room. Eyes darting around wildly he looked for his Dad needing to get more than a few things off his chest.

It took a moment to find the older man but once he was in the kitchen he saw him. Seeing his Dad standing in front of the cabinets going through the spices like it was completely normal Wes felt himself lose control and rush forward until he was roughly pushing his Dad into the counter.

He watched the other man spin around quickly looking as if he was ready for a fight. The anger faded away to confusion when ocean blue eyes locked on Wes. It should have been enough to knock some sense into him but it wasn't.

"Why?" Wes questioned practically screaming and not bothering to sign, "Why did you give up?"

"What?" Dad offered out loud before shaking his head, "Wesley, you know that if you're not going to sign you need to speak clearly."

Shaking his head Wes found himself scoffing at the words. He wouldn't have to sign or talk clearly if the man in front of him had done _something _to fix his hearing! It wasn't as if it was his fault that the man hadn't thought that actually knowing what people were saying was important. So instead he moved forward forcing his Dad to take a step back.

"Why. Did. You. Give. Up." Wes repeated making sure to punctuate every word.

"Give up?" Dad asked looking even more confused, "What did I give up on?"

"Life! You gave up on your life! Your career! You gave up on ever hearing again!"

"What?"

"After the explosion you could have done something so you didn't lose your life. You could have gotten a cochlear implant or you could have _actually_ talked to people. You didn't have to give up. You could have fought!"

Wes felt his heart pounding in his chest once he finished. He had wanted to say that for so long that it actually felt oddly empty hearing them out loud. He never thought that he'd get the nerve to say them but now that he did he didn't know what to think.

In front of him he watched as the normally light, happy eyes grew dark with anger. It wasn't a look he was used to seeing on his Dad let alone directed at him but there it was. There was no way that he could stop whatever was about to happen.

"Sit down," Dad finally said softly.

"No," Wes started shaking his head, "I-"

"Sit down!"

Hearing the normally soft spoken man raise his voice Wes felt himself fall into a chair at the table and look down. He had no idea what he had expected to happen when he finally confronted his Dad but him raising his voice like that was not it.

Above him he heard a sigh fall from the other man causing him to look up. He felt his heart break seeing his Dad leaning against the counter staring at the floor. He looked more defeated than he had ever seen before and it was his fault. He made his Dad look like that.

"Do you really think I just gave up, Wesley?" the older man finally asked looking up at him, "That I didn't fight?"

"I mean," Wes tried before shrugging, "Yeah. You just stopped."

"You're not wrong. I did stop for awhile. Just not the way you think."

"What do you mean?"

Shaking his head his Dad slowly moved to the table and sat next to him. A part of him wanted to comfort the man somehow but he also wanted answers. He had a feeling that this might be the only chance he'd get to get those.

"For longer than I like to admit I refused to even acknowledge that I lost my hearing," Dad offered running a hand over his face, "I ignored the doctors telling me that I wasn't going to heal on my own. I turned away from the psychologist that came to help me adjust. I refused to even let Papa come near me."

"Why?" Wes asked confused, "Didn't you want to get better? Didn't you want to get back the life you had?"

"No, because getting better meant admitting something that I couldn't. That it was real. I didn't want it to be real."

"Why not?"

"Because it felt like I had lost everything. That I was finally completely broken and no one could fix me. No one would want me."

"That's not true!"

"I know that now, but in the moment I didn't. I couldn't fathom why anyone would ever want me like that. Hell, a part of me questioned why people wanted me long before I had ever lost my hearing in the first place."

"But why? You're amazing!"

"Because your brain can be a total asshole sometimes. It can convince you of things that you know aren't true. When something significant happen in your life it's even easier."

"Like losing your hearing?"

"Just like that. No one made me feel like I was less than after the explosion. Not the doctor and nurses, not your aunts and uncles, and certainly not your Papa. I did that all by myself."

Blinking a few times Wes found himself trying to imagine what that would have felt like. The idea that his Dads mind could have turned on him like that was terrifying, but it did help make the picture he was trying to see a little clearer. He had known it wouldn't be a nice image but he hadn't expected it to be so dark.

"Is that why you didn't try?" Wes asked not knowing if he really wanted to know but knowing he couldn't stop, "You felt like you didn't deserve it?"

"No," Dad answered calmly, "The truth is that I did try."

"You did?"

Carding a hand through his hair the older man sat up a little straight as if he was bracing himself to remember something painful. If the guilt wasn't eating at Wes before it certainly was after seeing that look.

"Dad?" Wes questioned reaching out to rest his hand over the other mans.

"There are a lot of tests you have to pass to work in law enforcement," Dad started after a moment, "Even more if you want to work undercover. After I learned sign and started to get back on my feet I put myself through one of the tests without anyone knowing. I didn't want to get my hopes or their hopes up. I failed."

"You failed? You're one of the strongest people I know! You could easily win any fight."

"I was even more capable back then, but that's not the test I'm talking about."

"Then what?"

"Psychological. I failed the psychological test."

Wes felt himself freeze at that. The last thing he had expected was for his Dad to say that. Mostly because it seemed wrong on every level. Okay, so he dealt with depression, but that didn't mean he wasn't fit to be a police officer.

Whenever anyone asked him to describe his Dad he always said the same thing. He was kind, intelligent, resourceful, and unwavering. Wasn't that what a good cop should be? So why wasn't he able to pass a psychological test? It made no sense.

"I don't get it," Wes offered finally starting to sign, "How'd you fail?"

"Easily actually," Dad answered shaking his head, "I wasn't me."

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said. After the explosion I lost myself. I had to not only learn a whole new language and how to live without hearing, but I had to learn how to be a father on top of it all. I had to learn myself again. It sounds a lot easier than it was."

"It sounds pretty hard. How'd you lose yourself though? You were still you."

"Yes and no. Remember what I said about the brain?"

"It convinced you that you weren't you? That's scary."

"Not exactly that black and white. It convinced me that I _couldn't _be me without my hearing. It sounds stupid, but when you've lost something that you don't think of as losable, like your hearing, it feels that way."

Nodding his head Wes let himself imagine how that would feel. How scary it would be to have the whole some of ones life change that quickly. Especially if it was something that he hadn't thought he'd lose.

Thinking about it his Dad was right. Even with the knowledge that the older man had lost his hearing Wes never thought of what it would be like for him if the same thing happened. He had no idea how his Dad could have survived it at all.

"But a cochlear implant would have helped," Wes tried staring at the older man, "You wouldn't have lost anything that way."

"It doesn't work that way, kiddo," Dad replied gently, "The way I felt and the way I reacted to things had changed in a way that I can't explain. Getting my hearing back wouldn't have solved that. I had changed."

"Is that why you decided not to get the surgery?"

"Honestly? I didn't have a real reason not to try to get my hearing back. Every time someone brought it up or it popped into my mind… I don't know how to explain it, Wesley, but I didn't _want_ to do it. And everyone respected my choice."

Seeing his Dad cock an eyebrow at him Wes felt himself blush. He had been so curious about figuring out why his Dad had done what he did that he had completely ignored the fact that it was his choice. He didn't have to do anything that he didn't want to.

"I'm sorry," Wes signed looking at the table, "I… You know how much I try to understand everyone's story and I… I couldn't see yours, Dad. I couldn't understand."

Feeling a hand cup his jaw and he let his face be pulled up until he was looking at his Dad. The soft look that he was used to seeing was back and he felt himself relax a smile coming to his lips. Dad stood up and moved so he could place a kiss to his forehead.

"I love you, Wesley," Dad offered once he looked up again, "I love you so much and I love that you want to understand people, but, honey, not everyone's comfortable telling their story and you don't have a right to them. You offer to listen, but they don't have to tell."

"You're right," Wes signed feeling horrible, "I wasn't thinking about you or how you felt. I'm sorry, Dad."

"Just remember that next time, okay?"

"Okay, I promise."

"Good. Now, how's your room? Have you cleaned it?"

"Umm… I think I'll just… Bye!"


End file.
